I had a very… difficult… dream last night. It was not about elephants. But let’s pretend that it was.

Imagine that you have a friend. Your friend wants, more than anything in the world, to have an elephant. You find this amusing at first. Maybe you decide to be a good friend and take him to the zoo to see some elephants. He thinks you’re awesome for this. You’re not really interested in elephants, but he can have his thing, and you can have yours. No worries. All is good.

But, after a while, your friend is perhaps not being so friendly anymore. In fact, your friend is being kind of a dick. All he wants is an elephant, and you are not an elephant, do not have an elephant, do not think about elephants, and in summary live a completely elephant-free existence. So, perhaps your friend thinks you’re of no use to him in his quest for an elephant. Perhaps he only wants to associate with fellow elephant-connoisseurs. Perhaps he thought one day you would become interested in elephants, because clearly they are the only important thing there is, and deemed you worthless when that did not happen. In any case, his behaviour becomes intolerable and you eventually part ways.

You’re a little bit miffed about this, as you thought you had a rather solid friendship despite the lack of elephant-related bonding. You write off that friend as “that weird elephant guy” and life goes on. But, you are only human, and every now and then it nags at you, and maybe you secretly take some pleasure in the fact that your friend will probably never get that elephant.

HA HA! NO ELEPHANT FOR YOU.

And then you have a dream.

Yup. You guessed it. In your dream, he got the elephant.

He got the elephant and he’s the happiest he’s ever been. Now he has what he’s always wanted. He’s no longer being a dick to you, because he’s too happy to be a dick to anyone, but it’s also clear that there’s no point in trying to become friends again. There is no room in his life for you, there is only room for the elephant. You are nothing to him. There isn’t anything malicious about it; the fact is, you are simply not an elephant. And you will just have to accept that.

It’s not that you even want that weird elephant guy to be your friend, because he’s that weird elephant guy. Who needs a weird elephant guy around? For that matter, you’re pretty sure you’re not the only friend he’s lost to his elephant fixation. And it’s not that you want an elephant yourself – you still have no interest in elephants.

Why is it so upsetting that he’s happy? Is it that you think he doesn’t deserve an elephant after being such a dick to his non-elephant associates? Is it that you think you’re better than him and his bizarre elephant obsession, and how dare he devalue your friendship based on a mere lack of elephants? Is it that you wish that something as simple as an elephant would make you as happy as he is? You’re not sure. You just know that you’re irritated that he managed to get what he wanted. But you congratulate him on his new elephant. You are a grown-up and you can deal with it.

And then you wake up.

Back in the real world now. It was only a dream. You realize that your friend probably never did get that elephant. You don’t know for sure, since you’ve lost track of him, as one does with friends who have frequent bouts of dickishness. But it seems very unlikely. How would he obtain an elephant? Where would he keep the elephant? How would he pay for the care and feeding of the elephant? Logically, he doesn’t have that damn elephant. And if ever someday he does get his long-awaited elephant, you probably won’t even know about it. Because you’ve lost track of him. As one does. Who would bother keeping in touch with the weird elephant guy? All he ever talks about is elephants.

But you’re unsettled. And you’re relieved. Relieved that he didn’t get his elephant. Relieved that he isn’t really as happy as you just saw him. Unsettled that maybe he might be that happy someday. Unsettled that he might be that happy right now, and you just don’t know about it. Unsettled that you are actively wishing a lack of happiness on somebody, and not even somebody who has grievously done you wrong, just somebody who was a bit thoughtless in tossing you away because you were not a kindred spirit when it came to elephants.

My dream was not about elephants. But I think I’d have preferred if it had been.